Emotional Confusion

Christmas is a time of reflection for me. If you've read my previous posts, I recently attempted to rekindle a flame to no avail.

I sit here thinking of Christmas and memories. Sometimes the sadness evoked emotional confusion. One where I think of her and one of sadness where I think of my childhood. Again, if you read my posts, you know that my childhood is better left in the past. Most want to go back to being a kid again. I do not want to go back to that pain. I seem to only remember pain.

Yet the loss that I just took with the lost love confuses me as I think of my childhood pain. I think of both in the same emotion. I know through the therapy that this break up mirrored the loss of my mother at the age of seven. (She didn't die, but for all practical purposes, I never had a maternal mother after that. My step mother was not maternal at all.)

It is just weird as I sit here listening to Christmas Lullaby by Mannheim Steamroller, looking at my tree. Her loss and my mother's loss seem emotionally intertwined.