Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sunlight Disinfects

I heard this from Keith Ferrazzi who spoke at a conference I was at. He authored the book “Who’s got your back”. This quote was in the book. It is about basically allowing yourself to be vulnerable and talk about your weaknesses. By doing so in direct sunlight you become clean again from what was infecting you.

I reveal this because it’s I’m going to do some disinfecting right about now. You see I’m back in the dating world again. This time around, I’m putting more effort into it. And I’m seeing results. However, in the initial phases of dating someone my insecurities light up the sky. My insecurities derive from separation anxiety. Separation anxiety you say? Yes, I’m not a dog and I get that. Loosely defined, I get clingy with girls. I know why, I know the root cause, yet it still happens.

Why, because I “lost” my mom at the tender age of 7 when my parents got a divorce. I was literally glued to my mom’s hip before that, or so I’m told. I have no real memories before that I can recall. Apparently I repressed all of them. At that very vulnerable age, being torn from your mother is akin to experiencing death. The only problem with that was, I got to experience that “death” 4 times a year when my mom came and got us kids. It was so exciting up to and looking forward to that day when she would arrive to take us back to Nebraska. (I grew up in a small town in Iowa). However, the return trip was hell figuratively speaking. It was like an impending death. I knew how I would feel. Upon return, I had that OMG sad feeling on the 6 hour car ride home. That night, I would cry myself to sleep. I wonder what my brothers thought about that listening to that every night. I did this for 2 weeks straight. Even typing this makes me feel that huge sadness. It was like experience death over and over again.

If you follow Freud then, you can surmise the net effect of this repeated “death”. Fast forward to my current life, that wonderful hope of meeting a new woman in my life is an amazing feeling. Yet, I cling to that hope that they won’t leave and I experience that “death” again. Add to this, communication is my comfort zone. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. However, connecting to people keeps my world safe, so by doing that I will not be “let go” again. My insecurities kick in when dating because in the beginning it’s “don’t communicate too much” or else she will run. Imagine what I’m feeling if that happens. So, I walk on egg shells in my communication strategy. Even further, with today’s technology, how do you know if it’s OK to ask a girl out via text or does she want a phone call, or a facebook message or a carrier pigeon. Who knows how to traverse the digital age landscape in conjunction with the dating world. Most relationships I’ve had that have lasted, just “worked” from the beginning.

Now that the history is seen you can see the battle I have. I have gotten tons better over the years with regards to this “clinginess”. It’s not easy but I fight it. I also have to fight those blinders I put on when I meet someone. I do this because I forget there are other fish in the sea. I tie my hope to those that I’m dating. Again, I’m working on that too. It is not easy as it is like turning that 7 year old voice off so I don’t get the anxiety. Moreover, if the person is not a communicator like me, it’s even tougher. It is what I deal with. I can handle it and as I said, knowing this is the hardest part. I deal with it and work at it a lot. I know I need security around me and thus the opening line about the book is key to me. Who does have my back? Really, who does have it and who makes me accountable? That is the premise of the book and the basis for success in any avenue in life. In my dating world, I need people around me that have my back and make me accountable. This is the reason all these group therapy organizations are so successful because they are built upon being vulnerable, being trustworthy and being accountable. These are three key ingredients to success in any endeavor. Read the book if you really want to learn this way of living from someone who was immensely successful in his life yet felt empty. Once he figured it out, success, not in the form of money, but success in the form of happiness came into his life.

I’m not sure I feel fully disinfected by writing this, but publishing this may help.