Sunday, October 10, 2010

Feeling Special

As I begin to write this, I feel what people will say. You are special.

If I was so special, how come I never hear from people. Yes, I get invited everywhere and I am nice to people all the time. As one person clearly stated, I am under-appreciated. Loosely translated means I am taken for granted.

This is the reason I go out by myself because wait staff and bartenders make me feel special. Yes, I know they all want their tips. They are judging me as a customer and I know that. They tell me nice stuff so they make money. I get that.

However, I know I am seeking external ways of feeling special. My mom left me when I was 7. An adult can rationalize that and say that the she still loved me. Rationalize that as a 7 year old in the early 1970s with a very acrimonious divorce at hand. Try being 7 and dealing with that. Try being 7 and having to emotionally raise myself. My dad remarried and my step mother was not maternal at all. It is what it is. It's my past.

Indeed it is my past, but is why I seek to be special to someone. It is why I go out by myself. It is why I treat people well because they feel special and thus I feel special. It is fleeting but yet fulfills a need.

I'm a transplant to Houston, thus, as my therapist said, I have created a family here amongst friends. I am not close to my real family save for my younger sister. That is ironic as she has a different dad than me and was not raised with me.

I know my behavior is not great. I should treat myself special. Yet, I really do. I spoil myself a lot. I treat myself well. Yet, I think at the core, I do not love myself.

I get hung up on my past and I try to break free of that. I know all the quotes. You can't define yourself by your past. I try hard not to do that. It is hard. Hard to try to please a lady, even a cute waitress or cute bartender to get that attention from a woman. If I could stop that, I would.

Part of this is what fuels my fire to be an actor. So I can prove to people that I am worth something.

Yes, my mom is still alive. Yes she is awesome. No, I really don't feel special in that mother to son way. Is it all on me for that? No, but some of it is. I know this.

All anyone wants is to feel special. This is why when I date I seek an emotional connection. Yes, I see women and feel that physical urge. Yet, when I date, I am drawn to an emotional connection first and a physical connection second. It is how I am. I am opposite of the true attraction where it's physical first and emotional second.

Maybe that is where I am missing things. I guess I should go for the girl that has a nice body first and then develop the emotional connection.

This feeling special is part of the reason why sports are such a great outlet for me. It allows me to focus on outside things instead of internalizing what is doing on with me. I think it's an outlet for my anger.

Being halfway to 90 makes you think about life. You live alone. Your whole house depends on you. It's the upkeep, the security and all that. It's all on me.

Yes, this is how I feel, 90% uncensored. I just write this as I feel. I write this as I sit at home by myself, drinking a beer, football on TV. I'm not good at being an introvert.