Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sunlight Disinfects

I heard this from Keith Ferrazzi who spoke at a conference I was at. He authored the book “Who’s got your back”. This quote was in the book. It is about basically allowing yourself to be vulnerable and talk about your weaknesses. By doing so in direct sunlight you become clean again from what was infecting you.

I reveal this because it’s I’m going to do some disinfecting right about now. You see I’m back in the dating world again. This time around, I’m putting more effort into it. And I’m seeing results. However, in the initial phases of dating someone my insecurities light up the sky. My insecurities derive from separation anxiety. Separation anxiety you say? Yes, I’m not a dog and I get that. Loosely defined, I get clingy with girls. I know why, I know the root cause, yet it still happens.

Why, because I “lost” my mom at the tender age of 7 when my parents got a divorce. I was literally glued to my mom’s hip before that, or so I’m told. I have no real memories before that I can recall. Apparently I repressed all of them. At that very vulnerable age, being torn from your mother is akin to experiencing death. The only problem with that was, I got to experience that “death” 4 times a year when my mom came and got us kids. It was so exciting up to and looking forward to that day when she would arrive to take us back to Nebraska. (I grew up in a small town in Iowa). However, the return trip was hell figuratively speaking. It was like an impending death. I knew how I would feel. Upon return, I had that OMG sad feeling on the 6 hour car ride home. That night, I would cry myself to sleep. I wonder what my brothers thought about that listening to that every night. I did this for 2 weeks straight. Even typing this makes me feel that huge sadness. It was like experience death over and over again.

If you follow Freud then, you can surmise the net effect of this repeated “death”. Fast forward to my current life, that wonderful hope of meeting a new woman in my life is an amazing feeling. Yet, I cling to that hope that they won’t leave and I experience that “death” again. Add to this, communication is my comfort zone. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. However, connecting to people keeps my world safe, so by doing that I will not be “let go” again. My insecurities kick in when dating because in the beginning it’s “don’t communicate too much” or else she will run. Imagine what I’m feeling if that happens. So, I walk on egg shells in my communication strategy. Even further, with today’s technology, how do you know if it’s OK to ask a girl out via text or does she want a phone call, or a facebook message or a carrier pigeon. Who knows how to traverse the digital age landscape in conjunction with the dating world. Most relationships I’ve had that have lasted, just “worked” from the beginning.

Now that the history is seen you can see the battle I have. I have gotten tons better over the years with regards to this “clinginess”. It’s not easy but I fight it. I also have to fight those blinders I put on when I meet someone. I do this because I forget there are other fish in the sea. I tie my hope to those that I’m dating. Again, I’m working on that too. It is not easy as it is like turning that 7 year old voice off so I don’t get the anxiety. Moreover, if the person is not a communicator like me, it’s even tougher. It is what I deal with. I can handle it and as I said, knowing this is the hardest part. I deal with it and work at it a lot. I know I need security around me and thus the opening line about the book is key to me. Who does have my back? Really, who does have it and who makes me accountable? That is the premise of the book and the basis for success in any avenue in life. In my dating world, I need people around me that have my back and make me accountable. This is the reason all these group therapy organizations are so successful because they are built upon being vulnerable, being trustworthy and being accountable. These are three key ingredients to success in any endeavor. Read the book if you really want to learn this way of living from someone who was immensely successful in his life yet felt empty. Once he figured it out, success, not in the form of money, but success in the form of happiness came into his life.

I’m not sure I feel fully disinfected by writing this, but publishing this may help.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Feeling Special

As I begin to write this, I feel what people will say. You are special.

If I was so special, how come I never hear from people. Yes, I get invited everywhere and I am nice to people all the time. As one person clearly stated, I am under-appreciated. Loosely translated means I am taken for granted.

This is the reason I go out by myself because wait staff and bartenders make me feel special. Yes, I know they all want their tips. They are judging me as a customer and I know that. They tell me nice stuff so they make money. I get that.

However, I know I am seeking external ways of feeling special. My mom left me when I was 7. An adult can rationalize that and say that the she still loved me. Rationalize that as a 7 year old in the early 1970s with a very acrimonious divorce at hand. Try being 7 and dealing with that. Try being 7 and having to emotionally raise myself. My dad remarried and my step mother was not maternal at all. It is what it is. It's my past.

Indeed it is my past, but is why I seek to be special to someone. It is why I go out by myself. It is why I treat people well because they feel special and thus I feel special. It is fleeting but yet fulfills a need.

I'm a transplant to Houston, thus, as my therapist said, I have created a family here amongst friends. I am not close to my real family save for my younger sister. That is ironic as she has a different dad than me and was not raised with me.

I know my behavior is not great. I should treat myself special. Yet, I really do. I spoil myself a lot. I treat myself well. Yet, I think at the core, I do not love myself.

I get hung up on my past and I try to break free of that. I know all the quotes. You can't define yourself by your past. I try hard not to do that. It is hard. Hard to try to please a lady, even a cute waitress or cute bartender to get that attention from a woman. If I could stop that, I would.

Part of this is what fuels my fire to be an actor. So I can prove to people that I am worth something.

Yes, my mom is still alive. Yes she is awesome. No, I really don't feel special in that mother to son way. Is it all on me for that? No, but some of it is. I know this.

All anyone wants is to feel special. This is why when I date I seek an emotional connection. Yes, I see women and feel that physical urge. Yet, when I date, I am drawn to an emotional connection first and a physical connection second. It is how I am. I am opposite of the true attraction where it's physical first and emotional second.

Maybe that is where I am missing things. I guess I should go for the girl that has a nice body first and then develop the emotional connection.

This feeling special is part of the reason why sports are such a great outlet for me. It allows me to focus on outside things instead of internalizing what is doing on with me. I think it's an outlet for my anger.

Being halfway to 90 makes you think about life. You live alone. Your whole house depends on you. It's the upkeep, the security and all that. It's all on me.

Yes, this is how I feel, 90% uncensored. I just write this as I feel. I write this as I sit at home by myself, drinking a beer, football on TV. I'm not good at being an introvert.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Internally positive

I sit here outside feeling blah. Bad night last night two beer dinner. Yes. That was it. I had great positive energy and the I posted a risqué joke of mine on facebook accidentally. It was meant as a message not on a thread. Needless to say the response was bad and I deleted it. Oh well. I felt judged and when I get judged I feel mad at first and then depression kicks in. Even further I go into massive fear of rejection mode. It got sort of smoothed over later but not really.
This morning I had this feeling that it is going to be a good day in spite of the previous night. It's like the negativity is a virus but the positivity is fighting that virus. It is a challenge to say the least but seems to be working. Read my post about the switch for those that think you can just turn that smile on internally. I can do it externally but internally is hard. Oh well. Anyway I need to go back to work. More later. Thanks for reading.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, July 30, 2010

Working for the Weekend

It occurred to me that everybody does indeed work for the weekend. What is the reason for working for the weekend? Seriously, think about it. If you dread your job, why not find a career that you are passionate about and then you would not dread getting up every day. If you are working for a paycheck, that too means you are not passionate about your job. I am pretty good at what I do. Is it my lifelong dream to work in an office and move up the corporate ladder? Not so much.

I guess that is what makes me different than most people is that I’ve found a career that I’m passionate about and am pursuing it. I don’t dream of a nice 401k and a pension, retiring to fish somewhere or live on a beach. Living on a beach would be nice but I would still need an outlet for my creative energy. I dream of being a great actor and getting great roles in the twilight of my life. Most dream of retirement because they don’t want to work. I dream of being old and working as an actor. I believe that passion with what you do will translate into a happy life and the means to live will become secondary. Why? Because you will get up every day and be happy going to that dream. I always hear from those that are successful, that it’s not work to do what they love to do. Listen to those that are successful in whatever you dream about. They worked hard to get to that point, but it wasn’t work, it was a passion. If you do the thing you love, it won’t be work. Yes, even my dream job is not without a lot of politics, work strife and uncertainty. However, I know and respect that. It doesn’t hinder me from pursuing it however.

Moreover, people tend to put up barriers for themselves or use others as a barrier. I know your family, raising kids take precedence over all things. I get that. However, think about this. Wouldn’t your family want you to be happy and see you pursue your dream? Wouldn’t you be a better spouse, parent and friend if you were happy pursuing your lifelong dream, whatever that may be? Stop putting those other things in the way and achieve that dream with their help. Trust me, people love to help others. I believe helping people is built into our DNA. And when it is person you love and cherish, that help comes more readily. Having said all this, I know there are very true challenges that may be in the immediate future or distant future. Understand that they are challenges not barriers. A barrier is a wall. A challenge is cone. Drive around the cone not into the wall.

Furthermore, if your dream is to raise the best kids possible, then pursue that. To me there is nothing better than a great mom or dad! That a dream that is worth working for! I am never advocating leaving them behind. A dream needs a pack to run with. Your family could be that pack. By contrast, I do see those that totally lose their identity when raising their kids either on their own or with their spouse. Those dreams get set aside. When the kids are grown and out of the house, a huge vacuum hits and you are left wondering who you are. In some cases depression could set in. We all have heard about the empty nest syndrome. A healthy balance between raising kids and taking care of who you are is needed. I’m not a parent and I cannot imagine how hard that can be to do.

In short, I know I dream differently. I know it is easier for me to dream as I’m single with no kids. It is easier because I can be single minded in my pursuit of my dream. I often wonder if my “no limits” way I dream is why I am single. My mindset is not wife, 2 kids and a dog in the back yard. I want a prize in life that is bigger than domestic bliss. I don’t dream working for the weekend, I dream working in a creative atmosphere as a writer/actor/director.

Edgar Allen Poe once said "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream by night."

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Blog about nothing

I sit here Saturday night, drinking a great bottle of Pinot Grigio. I tried to work on my jokes that I have in my arsenal. Since I got my new car, I've listened to comics on the satellite radio that I have in the car. I have learned that they tell stories that are funny. Some of my stuff can be made into stories. However, I have writers block at the moment.

I am spending my time posting witty retorts on facebook and listening to music.

Life has changed lately with getting a new car. I auditioned for a part in a 10 minute play and I got one. A lead one at that. Work wise there are good things happening as well. I have money in the bank. One of my friends works in the entertainment world too. I am finally networking inside the world in which I wish to live.

I feel like I'm attracting positive things in the universe. I have to focus daily on putting positive energy out there. Some days are better than others.

Every day is different. Positive energy comes in spurts. Negative energy creeps in at times.

Yes this is a crappy blog about nothing. Like I said, I have writer's block thus you get to read this crap.

Friday, May 7, 2010


I think about my life a lot especially this weekend in LA. I walked the fox lot and thought about how this could be where I am going to work. The atmosphere in Beverly Hills accentuated my nervousness and trepidation. Can I really do this? Give up a life where money is not an object to a life of scratching for every dollar. All weekend this is all I can think about. My mind was constantly active with these thoughts.
Tomorrow I am driving to see a friend. I have to learn to navigate LA. It scares me. Way out of my comfort zone. However if I want to be an actor I need to step out of that comfort zone.
Everyone is jealous of me for DWTS. I am just looking forward to being on the set. I am going to watch everything.
I am single and wonder why I am so angry. My sarcasm has become biting to my friends. I lay here on the couch in my buddies house wondering why I am. I still search for answers.
All weekend all I could see was the competition every time i saw someone who looked like an actor. Not sure why I felt that but I did.
One things I love to do is breaking down scenes performing them on camera. I can do deep dark characters very well. I even got myself to cry. I know Hollywood is about who you know almost as much as what you know.
The weekend in the place I want to call home was revealing. Many have left security to chase that dream. Can I or will I do that? Yes!!
However the weekend made me realize that I cannot just move there and be an actor. I need to get my feet wet in Houston and then make that move to Los Angeles.
Add to this after I got home some things revealed themselves. I live in the bible belt so if you are not Christian you could be considered an outcast. Our country was founded upon freedom from religious persecution. Yet I am not Christian thus I fear persecution for those beliefs. It is a weird perspective. I always try to understand differing points of view yet I got blindsided by single-mindedness. It made me relaize that Los Angeles is where i need to live because people there are progressive in their thinking. I want to live where I do not fear being persecuted for my beliefs. I just want them respected. I felt that I was not respected.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, April 10, 2010


We all have karma. It comes from how we deal with people, the planet and our animals. Some seek refuge in religion. I can't do that as I do not ascribe to that. Jesus was a great philosopher but not a deity to me. Many of his teachings should be followed. They are the basic premise of good karma.
Our karma is also derived in how we treat ourselves. If you don't treat yourself well nobody else will.

I had an episode today whereby someone was exerting their karma on a girl I liked. Unfortunately and unbenownst to her he is surrounded by bad karma. I wish this were not the case because deep down he's a good guy. However he makes poor decisions. It is sad because she believes his crap and that bugs me.
However that is his karma and he is responsible for cultivating that.

Look as karma as being a garden. It needs tending, weeding and fertilizer. You need to work at it to keep it healthy. By writing this I am tending to my karma garden. I need to purge thus negativity (weeds) to help my karma garden grow. It is as simple as that.

If you take one thing from this, it's that. Most trainers can work you into shape physically. You have to work yourself into shape mentally. One way to achieve that is to tend to your karma garden. As the old saying goes, you reap what you sow. Sow positivity into your karma garden every day!

-- Post From My iPhone