Feeling Special

As I begin to write this, I feel what people will say. You are special.

If I was so special, how come I never hear from people. Yes, I get invited everywhere and I am nice to people all the time. As one person clearly stated, I am under-appreciated. Loosely translated means I am taken for granted.

This is the reason I go out by myself because wait staff and bartenders make me feel special. Yes, I know they all want their tips. They are judging me as a customer and I know that. They tell me nice stuff so they make money. I get that.

However, I know I am seeking external ways of feeling special. My mom left me when I was 7. An adult can rationalize that and say that the she still loved me. Rationalize that as a 7 year old in the early 1970s with a very acrimonious divorce at hand. Try being 7 and dealing with that. Try being 7 and having to emotionally raise myself. My dad remarried and my step mother was not maternal at all. It is what it is. It's my past.

Indeed it is my past, but is why I seek to be special to someone. It is why I go out by myself. It is why I treat people well because they feel special and thus I feel special. It is fleeting but yet fulfills a need.

I'm a transplant to Houston, thus, as my therapist said, I have created a family here amongst friends. I am not close to my real family save for my younger sister. That is ironic as she has a different dad than me and was not raised with me.

I know my behavior is not great. I should treat myself special. Yet, I really do. I spoil myself a lot. I treat myself well. Yet, I think at the core, I do not love myself.

I get hung up on my past and I try to break free of that. I know all the quotes. You can't define yourself by your past. I try hard not to do that. It is hard. Hard to try to please a lady, even a cute waitress or cute bartender to get that attention from a woman. If I could stop that, I would.

Part of this is what fuels my fire to be an actor. So I can prove to people that I am worth something.

Yes, my mom is still alive. Yes she is awesome. No, I really don't feel special in that mother to son way. Is it all on me for that? No, but some of it is. I know this.

All anyone wants is to feel special. This is why when I date I seek an emotional connection. Yes, I see women and feel that physical urge. Yet, when I date, I am drawn to an emotional connection first and a physical connection second. It is how I am. I am opposite of the true attraction where it's physical first and emotional second.

Maybe that is where I am missing things. I guess I should go for the girl that has a nice body first and then develop the emotional connection.

This feeling special is part of the reason why sports are such a great outlet for me. It allows me to focus on outside things instead of internalizing what is doing on with me. I think it's an outlet for my anger.

Being halfway to 90 makes you think about life. You live alone. Your whole house depends on you. It's the upkeep, the security and all that. It's all on me.

Yes, this is how I feel, 90% uncensored. I just write this as I feel. I write this as I sit at home by myself, drinking a beer, football on TV. I'm not good at being an introvert.

Internally positive

I sit here outside feeling blah. Bad night last night two beer dinner. Yes. That was it. I had great positive energy and the I posted a risqué joke of mine on facebook accidentally. It was meant as a message not on a thread. Needless to say the response was bad and I deleted it. Oh well. I felt judged and when I get judged I feel mad at first and then depression kicks in. Even further I go into massive fear of rejection mode. It got sort of smoothed over later but not really.
This morning I had this feeling that it is going to be a good day in spite of the previous night. It's like the negativity is a virus but the positivity is fighting that virus. It is a challenge to say the least but seems to be working. Read my post about the switch for those that think you can just turn that smile on internally. I can do it externally but internally is hard. Oh well. Anyway I need to go back to work. More later. Thanks for reading.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Working for the Weekend

It occurred to me that everybody does indeed work for the weekend. What is the reason for working for the weekend? Seriously, think about it. If you dread your job, why not find a career that you are passionate about and then you would not dread getting up every day. If you are working for a paycheck, that too means you are not passionate about your job. I am pretty good at what I do. Is it my lifelong dream to work in an office and move up the corporate ladder? Not so much.

I guess that is what makes me different than most people is that I’ve found a career that I’m passionate about and am pursuing it. I don’t dream of a nice 401k and a pension, retiring to fish somewhere or live on a beach. Living on a beach would be nice but I would still need an outlet for my creative energy. I dream of being a great actor and getting great roles in the twilight of my life. Most dream of retirement because they don’t want to work. I dream of being old and working as an actor. I believe that passion with what you do will translate into a happy life and the means to live will become secondary. Why? Because you will get up every day and be happy going to that dream. I always hear from those that are successful, that it’s not work to do what they love to do. Listen to those that are successful in whatever you dream about. They worked hard to get to that point, but it wasn’t work, it was a passion. If you do the thing you love, it won’t be work. Yes, even my dream job is not without a lot of politics, work strife and uncertainty. However, I know and respect that. It doesn’t hinder me from pursuing it however.

Moreover, people tend to put up barriers for themselves or use others as a barrier. I know your family, raising kids take precedence over all things. I get that. However, think about this. Wouldn’t your family want you to be happy and see you pursue your dream? Wouldn’t you be a better spouse, parent and friend if you were happy pursuing your lifelong dream, whatever that may be? Stop putting those other things in the way and achieve that dream with their help. Trust me, people love to help others. I believe helping people is built into our DNA. And when it is person you love and cherish, that help comes more readily. Having said all this, I know there are very true challenges that may be in the immediate future or distant future. Understand that they are challenges not barriers. A barrier is a wall. A challenge is cone. Drive around the cone not into the wall.

Furthermore, if your dream is to raise the best kids possible, then pursue that. To me there is nothing better than a great mom or dad! That a dream that is worth working for! I am never advocating leaving them behind. A dream needs a pack to run with. Your family could be that pack. By contrast, I do see those that totally lose their identity when raising their kids either on their own or with their spouse. Those dreams get set aside. When the kids are grown and out of the house, a huge vacuum hits and you are left wondering who you are. In some cases depression could set in. We all have heard about the empty nest syndrome. A healthy balance between raising kids and taking care of who you are is needed. I’m not a parent and I cannot imagine how hard that can be to do.

In short, I know I dream differently. I know it is easier for me to dream as I’m single with no kids. It is easier because I can be single minded in my pursuit of my dream. I often wonder if my “no limits” way I dream is why I am single. My mindset is not wife, 2 kids and a dog in the back yard. I want a prize in life that is bigger than domestic bliss. I don’t dream working for the weekend, I dream working in a creative atmosphere as a writer/actor/director.

Edgar Allen Poe once said "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream by night."

Blog about nothing

I sit here Saturday night, drinking a great bottle of Pinot Grigio. I tried to work on my jokes that I have in my arsenal. Since I got my new car, I've listened to comics on the satellite radio that I have in the car. I have learned that they tell stories that are funny. Some of my stuff can be made into stories. However, I have writers block at the moment.

I am spending my time posting witty retorts on facebook and listening to music.

Life has changed lately with getting a new car. I auditioned for a part in a 10 minute play and I got one. A lead one at that. Work wise there are good things happening as well. I have money in the bank. One of my friends works in the entertainment world too. I am finally networking inside the world in which I wish to live.

I feel like I'm attracting positive things in the universe. I have to focus daily on putting positive energy out there. Some days are better than others.

Every day is different. Positive energy comes in spurts. Negative energy creeps in at times.

Yes this is a crappy blog about nothing. Like I said, I have writer's block thus you get to read this crap.

Singularity

I think about my life a lot especially this weekend in LA. I walked the fox lot and thought about how this could be where I am going to work. The atmosphere in Beverly Hills accentuated my nervousness and trepidation. Can I really do this? Give up a life where money is not an object to a life of scratching for every dollar. All weekend this is all I can think about. My mind was constantly active with these thoughts.
Tomorrow I am driving to see a friend. I have to learn to navigate LA. It scares me. Way out of my comfort zone. However if I want to be an actor I need to step out of that comfort zone.
Everyone is jealous of me for DWTS. I am just looking forward to being on the set. I am going to watch everything.
I am single and wonder why I am so angry. My sarcasm has become biting to my friends. I lay here on the couch in my buddies house wondering why I am. I still search for answers.
All weekend all I could see was the competition every time i saw someone who looked like an actor. Not sure why I felt that but I did.
One things I love to do is breaking down scenes performing them on camera. I can do deep dark characters very well. I even got myself to cry. I know Hollywood is about who you know almost as much as what you know.
The weekend in the place I want to call home was revealing. Many have left security to chase that dream. Can I or will I do that? Yes!!
However the weekend made me realize that I cannot just move there and be an actor. I need to get my feet wet in Houston and then make that move to Los Angeles.
Add to this after I got home some things revealed themselves. I live in the bible belt so if you are not Christian you could be considered an outcast. Our country was founded upon freedom from religious persecution. Yet I am not Christian thus I fear persecution for those beliefs. It is a weird perspective. I always try to understand differing points of view yet I got blindsided by single-mindedness. It made me relaize that Los Angeles is where i need to live because people there are progressive in their thinking. I want to live where I do not fear being persecuted for my beliefs. I just want them respected. I felt that I was not respected.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Karma

We all have karma. It comes from how we deal with people, the planet and our animals. Some seek refuge in religion. I can't do that as I do not ascribe to that. Jesus was a great philosopher but not a deity to me. Many of his teachings should be followed. They are the basic premise of good karma.
Our karma is also derived in how we treat ourselves. If you don't treat yourself well nobody else will.

I had an episode today whereby someone was exerting their karma on a girl I liked. Unfortunately and unbenownst to her he is surrounded by bad karma. I wish this were not the case because deep down he's a good guy. However he makes poor decisions. It is sad because she believes his crap and that bugs me.
However that is his karma and he is responsible for cultivating that.

Look as karma as being a garden. It needs tending, weeding and fertilizer. You need to work at it to keep it healthy. By writing this I am tending to my karma garden. I need to purge thus negativity (weeds) to help my karma garden grow. It is as simple as that.

If you take one thing from this, it's that. Most trainers can work you into shape physically. You have to work yourself into shape mentally. One way to achieve that is to tend to your karma garden. As the old saying goes, you reap what you sow. Sow positivity into your karma garden every day!

-- Post From My iPhone

Something to look forward to: Part 2

I think I'm in that mode where I don't look forward to going home, yet I look forward to leaving work.

I went through this last year and apparently going through it this year. I have wonderful critters. I am finally enjoying seeing my dog when I get home. Seeing her happy face and such. Its just that my friend as my friend asked me, what do I have to look forward to.

My life right now consists of work, my critters, acting classes, my house and my friends. What is there to look forward to? Right now tending to my health is utmost important.

I am at a bit of a crossroads I guess. I kind of want to go into a shell for awhile, ex-communicate per se. I don't even feel like facebook or twitter right now. That is weird for me. I hope this doesn't last.

I have "things" to look forward to, like birthday parties, my LA trip, a surfside weekend, mother's day, and my birthday trip. But do I really have something to look forward to?

Something to Look Forward To

I had lunch with a friend recently and she asked this when I told her I was staying out of the dating scene. She replied so what you have to look forward to.

I didn't know what to say really. It has been stuck in the surface of my brain all weekend. Part of me thinks that dating will get in the way of things I want to accomplish. I know that's selfish, but things I want to do are big things. Things that a relationship would get in the way of.

I am trying to train my brain to not see relationships in every cute girl I see when I'm out and about. I am getting better at that, but still not quite mastered it.

As my dating post will attest to, I need not be here in the field and longing for a significant other.

However, really, what do I have to look forward to. Painting doors? Changing light fixtures? Demolishing my yard. All that is really meaningless, thus it really never gets done.

Maybe when my back is better and I'm playing ball twice a week, I will have something to look forward to.

This still pesters my mind.

I just think that being a paid actor in LA is what I look forward to. Working a commercial, TV spot or whatever and getting paid to do that is what I look forward to.

However, I do long for at times, some physical intimacy. I am a man and I have needs, so there has to be some give and take there. Yet, I am not this one night stand guy. I like to be liked too much for that to happen. Part of being able to do that, is learning detachment with people. I've spent my life trying to learn that and it really doesn't work for me. Long story but read a few posts about my parents and their hatred for me? (Unconsciously that is the word that I typed, yet consciously I was thinking about their hatred of each other.) Freudian slip there? Probably so. Some root there to how I feel about myself. Interesting segue of a road internally.

So this post starts with me analyzing what I have to look forward to and leads to an interesting epiphany about how I feel about myself.

Until the next post...

Dating

I have decided to go on a dating hiatus. I have so much going on here with my house, my work, and I have tons of friends. My weeks are never without some social event going on, birthday, happy hour or the like.

I feel like if I started dating it would get in the way of what I am trying to accomplish. Seriously, this time next year, I hope to be debt free with the exception of my mortgage.

I kind of feel wrong about really not wanting to date but I am single minded with my goal of becoming a working actor.

I actually went on a couple dates since writing the first above paragraphs. One was a spur of the moment, lets go to dinner and we had a good time, she made me feel at ease and vice verse. The other, too, was an impromptu date. We sat outside, had margaritas in the sun. I never felt like I had to be somebody. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Her night out before, he son and the like. Neither could remember the name of the bar from the previous night. Later, after I got home, I remembered it, text it to her and got nothing.

I didn't worry about that. The following Tuesday, I text some sarcastic remark to her about a FB post. No response. We chatted about a week later and I get a "you are so awesome" response from her. Me, I was realizing she is a go-getter and stops at nothing to get what she wants. It was easy to see, as she is bright and works very hard, values the separation of work and social life.

I finally gave up as I sent her an email to set up lunch and never even got a "no thanks response".

That is the reason why I do not date anymore. It's not worth it. I put fort the effort, wasn't clingy guy and yet I get the same result.

Anyway, just sad that no matter what I try I get the same result.

Women and independence

Women who are independent lament that they are always single. Well is that independence a fassad for not wanting to get too close to someone? I wonder this whole thing of not needing a man stuff. I mean yes being self sufficient is good but being tough and strong are typically me traits. I not saying women cannot have that. If they project that strenght they will end up with a mommas boy. A tough man will not be attracted to a tough woman. Opposites attract. Most men, me included, lime to be the strong one in the relationship. Every relationship has a dominate partner and a submissive one. It just works that way. Moreover, from the caveman days men have been hunters and gatherers. If a woman can hunt and gather why would she need a man.
The opposite holds true too for men. We need to be more open and emotional to attract a mate. We have to show strength but if we don't show the emotional side we will be single for a long time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Misunderstood?

So I lay here in bed not feeling better after two days of antibiotics and decongestant. I woke up with watery eyes, scratchy throat and runny nose. I am reluctant to take the day off because work is social to me I like the interaction.
Most everyone else at work has a spouse and kids. A day off for them means time with them. Moreover, there is another human being around. With me there is not. I am tired of typing on the iPhone and am logging on to the laptop to finish this.

OK. This is easier and much better ergonomically.

What I am trying to say is that when others get sick, they have someone there to take care of them or at the very least be there. I know I hear of the mom in the family getting sick and having to fend for herself to get better. The kids and spouse are kind of there but are not "caretakers". Well at least they have someone there. I do not have that luxury. It may sound morbid to others, but I have nobody, so should something happen to me, who knows how long it will take someone to find me. It is my reality.

At 45, my body is changing. When you reach a certain age, you realize that you are not immortal or at the very least that you are going to die sometime. At this age your body breaks down easier as it is a very normal natural progression of aging. It is what it is as I say.

So, when I say I don't want to take the day off, that is actually better for me than being at home by myself for reasons I just described. Add to that, working from home is a happier work experience for me than being in the office. I find having my four legged kids around very comforting. They are way more comforting than the human beings at work.

I just wish there was an easy succinct way for me to say, "I am not taking the day off, just going back to the doctor, because I am not getting better and I need the socialization of work to help me get better." AND that they would understand that. I know I need rest. Everyone else has people around to help out. I don't. My house doesn't get cleaned if I don't clean it. My laundry does not get done if I don't do it and so on.

So because of that, I feel misunderstood. I just wish that people would see that. I wish they would see why I am so successful at work is because frankly at this point in time of my life, it is all I got. Yes, I have friends, but they are not here. I have no girlfriend at the time probably more because of choice than lack of options.

For all zero of you who read this, remember to put yourself in others shoes before giving advice. Understand where that other person is coming from. This way they won't be misunderstood.