Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Testing

This is a test using an iPhone app to blog. I like the landscape mode of typing. We shall see how it appears. The word wrap is nice too.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, December 28, 2009

We built this city?

I hear of people that do not like where they live. It is sad. You can live where you want. We are in an information age now. People offer up excuses like 'my kids are in school'. That is lame.
Moving from one school to another teaches kids social skills and how to adapt to different environments. Those lessons will help you later in life. You need those skills to network in your chosen profession.
I am not advocating moving to a city that has no jobs. However if you do not like where you live then move. There are people that love where they live.
Go find your dream and make it happen. Don't find obstacles find solutions.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Waiting for something better?

We all have dated someone and thought 'I can do better than that.' I've done it. It has been done to me either up front or passively.

I am a hopeless romantic. I thoroughly enjoy that process and all that goes along with it. So, when I date, I want that to be a part of it, the romance, the look, the chemistry and all that goes along with it. I wonder if I am looking past what I see in front of me because all of that is not there for me to see.

I thought about the reverse to be true here too. I am not the best looking guy out there. I probably over compensate for that with my charm, my wit, my intelligence and my humor. I need those qualities to get a girls attention. It is what it is. Naturally this made me wonder if the reverse is true as well. Girls like that guy with broad shoulders, risk taker and such. See previous post on that. On the surface I represent none of that. They don't see all my great qualities. Are they doing the same thing?

Love is not something you capture and keep. Love is something you grow and nuture over time. You will not "capture" that when you first meet someone. Moreover, you will not "see" those qualities you were not necessarily looking for.

It is always interesting to see dating profiles for women to say "they want a guy to make them laugh." Well most comedians are single, yet they make women laugh because of their unique nature.

I guess all of this goes to the old adage 'you don't judge a book by its cover'. This holds true not only for those of us that are marginally good looking but those that are in fact very good looking. This works on boths sides of the fence. Guys are just as bad about this as women are.

Guys see the beautiful girl, usually blonde, nice rack and are attracted to them. That's the cover. If you want to read book covers all your life, go for them and have fun. The book sleeve tells you something. Once you start reading the book however, you will see something different altogether.

So while my book cover is not the best, what is inside is a Pulitzer prize winning story. I need to ultimately remember that when I am on dates.

The only reason I write this post is that I have a lot of female friends. My book cover is not that enticing but my story is worth reading. Some of them I have found attractive but yet they don't see me that way. That is what ultimately precipitated this post and provoked me to think internally not only about their behaviour but mine as well.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Douchebags and hot chicks

I go out a lot and I regularly see douchebags with the hot chick. It is as normal as the clear blue sky. What most don't realize is that those girls are usually thrill seekers. Meaning, they look for that guy that rides his bike really fast, lives on the edge, has tattoos and things like that. She may be hot, but in reality she is probably very emotionally insecure and thus seeks thrill and adventure to offset that.

Now we also see these type of couples where said douchebag really treats the girl bad. We think, why is she with him. He's a douchebag. This goes back to the insecurity. We see a beautiful woman and she sees an ugly woman in the mirror. She probably figures she cannot do better and also gets to do thrill seeking things. His indifference to this is what attracts her.

Let me explain. I explained this concept of "holding your cards" to someone the other day. They lamented "I do not play games." You are not playing games. You are just showing a little bit of yourself at a time. After all, relationships build over time. You show more and more of yourself as time progresses. Showing more and more of yourself as time progresses is a means of "holding your cards".

From a woman's perspective, which I am not, while that independent streak is good to grow your career and/or family, it may not be good in attracting a mate. Hear me out on this one. Most guys are emotionally wired to be providers. Food, clothing shelter. I know we are in a day and age where that is not necessary. Women now are doing that role. However, even if financially, women are providers, emotionally, I think the source of strength is from the guy. One person in the relationship has to be a dominant one and the other not as much. This is not predicated upon the financial part, but the emotional part. You may say, that the man is not the emotional one in the relationship. They are not. However, most guys want to be the proverbial "knight and shining armour" in the relationship. That is a clash with the independent streak.

We, men, also like the chase. I believe that this goes back to the caveman days of being the hunter and gatherers. This chase does include chasing a girl who we really like. Ladies, if you give out all your cards right up front, what is there to chase? You are not playing games, you are just slowly showing what you are made of.

I know from personal experience, my best relationships have been where I have been that Knight that source of strength. I really reveled in it.

Now, going back to the douchebag. He is probably somewhat "take it or leave it" in the relationship. However, he is the strength and that is what draws the girl to him. She probably has insecurities and is attracted to that strength and of course that thrill.

I don't suggest men go out and by leather pants and a harley. However, I do suggest that the proverbial nice guy never gets laid. To quote the TV show 'Two and Half Men'. "Nice guys don't finish last, they finish in the shower." What dudes need to realize is that you do not have to be mean to a girl to get her attention. You just have to not be so nice. If you are a kiss ass, you are not going to get attention, you are going to get her problems, namely, her last boyfriend did this and her family problems.

Get attention by not paying attention. The best way to get a woman's attention is to ignore her. If it is to easy to get your attention, then she doesn't have to work. I mean really. Why did she get all dolled up, go out to the bar with her girlfriends and not make a guy work. Notice her, strike up a conversation but act disinterested. She didn't do all that work just to have a guy slide easily into conversation and kiss him. She got dolled up to make you work and you should work. To counter that to get her to look at you, show disinterest and honestly flirt with other girls too.

That is another tip. Do not zone in on just one girl. Spread that flirting around. This shows the girl that she has to work for you.

So all in all the douchebag does get the hot chick cuz, he is ambivalent, makes her work for that and doesn't show all his cards readily. Yes, the dude had the bike. For whatever reason, hot chicks love speed. However, that only lasts so long. Other things weigh in too as I have said before.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Perfect Storm?

It is rare that I am in this good of mood without a significant other. It is even rarer that this happen during the holiday season. Add to that I took significant time off. I think that choice helped fuel this perfect storm. Moreover I know have a very adept significant communication vehicle in the iPhone. As a matter of fact this post is done on the iPhone. A
zing for me. I can type very well on this phone.

As all my zero readers know. I write better in public places than at home. I feed off peoples energy. It is what it is I guess

So these things have fueled my perfect storm. I cannot remember being this happy at Christmas without a girlfriend. Seriously. I am loving my perfect storm!!!

Right where I should be...

2009 started out with great energy. I got new floors for my house, started going on out on dates. I had new years resolutions, typed out and carried them around with me.

Did I accomplish all of them. Some but not all. That is not what this post is about however.

Early in the year I dated this girl, that ultimately made me break down and cry with my mom, in a good way. You see my relationship with my mom is not strained. However, I love my mom. She's my mom. However, in life you have to deal with accepting people for who they are. Through dating this girl, I reached out to try and re-establish a relationship with my mom. It's a work in progress as I look back on things. Regardless, I accepted her for who she is, as my mom, she has her gifts to give me. That day was a watershed moment for me. Crying with your mom on the phone is a hard thing to do, especially when when one of her gifts is not to be maternal. It is what is is. She has other gifts that she gives me and I'm good with that.

Sadly the girl never lasted for a litany of reasons that cannot be listed here. Suffice to say, that relationship had a very symbolic meaning to me and my life. Therapy is a great thing.

So, I got off topic, but the year progressed. With the explosion of Facebook in my life, my world has gotten better. This is good for me, as I am a communicator. Communication is my security blanket. If I communicate with my friends, this makes me feel more secure. It is what it is. Therefore, Facebook helps me in that aspect. It draws me closer to my friends. I think it has made my life better in a positive way.

Volleyball of course has been and will be a source of my physical activity, and yet my social network.

So, 2009 progressed, dating (more dates this year than in most other years combined), networking, my job got better and drew closer to some old friends and found some amazing new ones.

In November, I had an epiphany. I finally realized, that this is the exact spot in life where I am supposed to be. Huge moment for me as I turned 45, single and no kids. In your 40's you finally realize that you are mortal and your body changes. You realize that there is an end per se, that your body is not indestructible.

So given all the highs and lows that I've endured this year and throughout life, I am totally right where I should be. All I've been through has set me up for this next phase of my life. I am right where I should be.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

iPhone test

This is a test of my typing skills on the iPhone. I am typing rather fast here and doing well. I may be able to fully blog from my iPhone now. This is sweet!!! Merry Christmas to me!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Emotional Confusion

Christmas is a time of reflection for me. If you've read my previous posts, I recently attempted to rekindle a flame to no avail.

I sit here thinking of Christmas and memories. Sometimes the sadness evoked emotional confusion. One where I think of her and one of sadness where I think of my childhood. Again, if you read my posts, you know that my childhood is better left in the past. Most want to go back to being a kid again. I do not want to go back to that pain. I seem to only remember pain.

Yet the loss that I just took with the lost love confuses me as I think of my childhood pain. I think of both in the same emotion. I know through the therapy that this break up mirrored the loss of my mother at the age of seven. (She didn't die, but for all practical purposes, I never had a maternal mother after that. My step mother was not maternal at all.)

It is just weird as I sit here listening to Christmas Lullaby by Mannheim Steamroller, looking at my tree. Her loss and my mother's loss seem emotionally intertwined.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Too stupid?

I have dated a lot of women in the last year. Some good, some not so good. It is what it is.

However, it makes me wonder about things. Is there something wrong with me?

No matter who I date, I always walk away and think, she's too stupid to realize what a great guy I am.

I know I'm a great guy. I am fit, dress well, smart, great job, I have a house, I have dreams and aspirations and I am chivalrous. All those qualities lead to being a great guy and I am that.

However, when a lady I date does not see that, I immediately think, she's a dufus for not seeing what a great guy I am. But, this is a script that is happening over and over again, or so it seems. It makes me feel like I'm taken for granted or doing something wrong.

I am not sure here, as this is being repeated so much. Am I picking the wrong ladies to date? Are they stupid? Am I stupid?

I just get tired of running the "that bitch is stupid" through my head each time a girl just doesn't "get it". Why aren't all those qualities being seen? Are they invisible? Am I invisible?

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "you will meet the right one", I'd be able to take a cruise for 7 days or something. I hear that a lot. It gets old hearing that.

So all that makes me wonder, I am I too stupid?

Acceptance?

I never go home for the holidays for probably two reasons. One, my family never offers to pay to see me. It kind of makes me feel like, well, you can come home but you are not important enough for us to pay to get you here. I come from a large family, 3 brothers, an older sister and a younger half sister. I mean if they really wanted to see me, they'd pay, right?

The other reason is that I'd drink myself silly after being in one room with all of them. This is one of the reasons the holidays can be hard on me. All this love and family chit. At the moment I am single, so you have the impending new year's eve date night and you have all this family time.

Family is what you make it and I know that. I have a very good core Texas family here. People that I know and love and love me unconditionally. Most know my background, the pain, the suffering and hardship. That is why they are my family. My real family in Nebraska, I am not sure of. They were all there during that crap. Each, to their own credit, dealt with those issues in their own way. Collectively, in a room, at a time when family should be cherished, all that baggage comes out to play. It is not the ideal situation, but it is what it is.

This leads me to this thought. I have always avoided the holiday gatherings for those two reasons. However, it led me to think about my perspective on this.

Should I accept my family for what it is? Have I done this? I don't know. I wrote this years ago but it's so true. Does it apply to family too?

Learning to love yourself is about accepting yourself as who you are. Once that acceptance is gained and believed, the love comes easily.

Learning to love your family is about accepting yourself as who you are and accepting them as who they are. Once this acceptance is gained and believed, the love comes easily for your family.

It is the old adage, you can choose your friends, but you cannot chose your family. I am wondering if I can gain that acceptance of my family, that I would be able to tolerate holidays better.

I don't know if they will accept me as who I am. However, I think in the long run I need to accept them as who they are.

A lot of them seem to think that as family you have a certain set of responsibilities and obligations. I don't believe in obligations other than paying bills. If I feel obligated to go to Nebraska for the holidays, I won't go. Period. End of story. I want to go back when I'm ready to accept it for what it is. Once I have that, I can tolerate it better and be a better family member. Until then, I need to stay away. I have enough stress as it is, don't need more, yanno?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Extremes

As Billy Joel sang 'I go to extremes'. My life is a series of extremes. The highs and the lows and the middles.

Last night was one of those highs. I was surrounded by so much positive energy last night that I had an adrenaline rush afterward. My creative energy was very much flowing even into today.

It started out as a happy hour to have margaritas with 3 or 4 of us. Nothing special. We posted stuff on FB, not knowing what the turnout would be. Well the turnout was great. At one point there were 15 people there. All laughing, having drinks from a 23 flavor dr. pepper to margaritas. We ate, we drank, we laughed.

For me it was so positive that each time I looked up there were more people showing up. It made me quite happy to say the least. I loved it and when all was said and done, it was one of the best nights ever and I was sober.

It's a great feeling being in a room full of people that do not take you for granted. Each one of them was happy to see me and showed it. It was just a phenomenal feeling being in that room.

I even got to talk movies which easily gets me going. It was such a good night that I wanted to blog about it. I know I will experience lows again, as such is life. This way, I can look back on this night and realize the highs also.

You have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs in life.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Rejection

Baseball players are paid millions of dollars to hit a ball 30 percent of the time.

I wonder what the averages are for dating. Guys, what is your average? I walked over and asked a girl her name. She had the prettiest eyes that smiled. I loved them. We exchanged pleasantries before that when she was walking to the restroom, so she was "available for approach". I got this weird look. However to my point about rejection. We as guys have to expect to hit only 30 percent of the time. You have to expect rejection when flirting with a woman. You don't know what the pitcher is going to throw, so expect that.

I remember a story years ago about this guy. He was in college and was terrified of rejection. One day he got up the resolve to go out and ask for dates from the co-eds. His goal was to ask 10 girls out that day. Anyway, he did just that. He expected 100% rejection. However that is not what he got. He actually did much better than that. He conquered his fear of rejection.

I have that awful fear of rejection. That is why I am so nice, so I will not get rejected. It is why I am a giver and do things for people. If I do things for people they won't reject me. I constantly do that and that even do tons of charity work with my money and time, because there won't be rejection there. Charity work is the best way to avoid rejection.

On a deep level, my rejection stems from my mother's "rejection" of me after the divorce. I made a conscious effort after that to be good and thus never get rejection. See my previous post about my parents.

This is something I have worked on over the years in therapy and on my own.

Forgotten Love

Let me start out this story with with a recollection of a girl I dated earlier in the year. She was a mutual acquaintance of a friend that I literally met on FB. We met for margaritas one Sunday after I played volleyball. It was instant chemistry. we ended up spending the night together. I never had to be anybody when I was with her. Our subsequent dates were like that and then I never heard from her. I deleted her from FB and her phone number. I dated others since her and never could get her out of my mind. Nobody matched up.

Could it have been some revisionist history in my eyes? I don't know. Never felt instant chemistry like that. Never felt that kind of energy with a woman of all the people I dated.

Fast forward six months and I decide to add her back on FB. She immediately accepted. I was ecstatic but cautious in the same breath. Anyway, so I was following her posts and it was cool.

I noticed that she had not posted anything, so I did a search for her of my friends and she was gone. :( My heart immediately sank.

I am so stupid. I sent her a message with the add stating that I missed her and that's the reason why I added her. I told her to have a good holiday if I don't hear from her. I left it at that.

I have never chased anyone. I am very cold when it comes to that. If they don't want me around, then so be it. However, I could not go through life with this one 'what if' over my head. She knows how I feel and it's for her to decide now. It is out of my hands.

It is best to forget forgotten love, if that makes sense. It will never be as it was.

December 11, 2009. It is official. She ignored my request. I am sad but yet I have closure. I am using the word ONWARD and reaching back to reconnect does not apply to that. Oh well.

December 22, 2009. I get an add request from her from the night before. I accept and then she's gone again. Things that make you go hmmmm.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Parents

This post brought to you by Dos Equis. For the best epiphany's, drink Dos Equis.

So, I am thinking about people in general. I have friends whereby their parents have been together for 20+ years. I find that commitment remarkable quite frankly.

By contrast, my parents literally hated each other after their divorce when I was 8. I grew up knowing and understanding that hatred for a person of the opposite sex. My dad got the kids, long story there. Mind you this was in the very early 1970s where divorce was still frowned upon, especially in a Catholic family.

Mom got to see us four times a year. Those were the most painful memories as I'd get excited to see her and then cry myself to sleep every night for two weeks thereafter when we got back home. It didn't help that they hated each other too. I don't hate anyone ever, yet this was apparently the feeling or so I felt as a very impressionable 8 year old. One 8 year old that was at the side of his mom constantly up to that point.

So now when I hear of parents that are still together after 20+ years, I was once envious. Now I am not. Why? Because that hatred, that divorce and subsequent things led me to be who I am today. Today, I am a damn good human being who treats people how they want to be treated.

Yes, they hated each other but yet that helped me. I fully believe that they are better off divorced. I know even at my dad's funeral my mother could not have a nice word to say about him. As we all know in relationships, there is good and bad. Moreover, there is a reason why you were together in the first place. I believe that both my mom and dad were together in the first place for a romantic ideal. It is just sad that even at my dad's funeral, that my own mother could not remember that very reason.

I am a divorcee. My ex-wife and I split over 7 years ago. Yet, I look back at the good times and how well she treated me. Did we split on amicable terms? Totally. Yet, I choose, literally, I choose to remember the good she did for me. Nobody, and I mean nobody ever treated me better during the holiday's than her, my own family included. I learned so much about myself and I buried the anger/resentment about all the other crap. That is of no use to me. Even if someone were to run smack about her, I'd stand up for her.

So, growing up with a hatred between my parents was extremely hard. I was so jealous of others whose parents were together. Yet, tonight at the ripe age of 45, I had an epiphany that if it weren't for that hatred and subsequent circumstances, I would not be the person I am today. My dream of acting would not be so vibrant and real in my world even. So for their hatred I am actually thankful, because it gave me substance and character.
Can i describe faith as believing in karma and how the universe works? Does this make me have faith rather than be devoid of it?

Single?

So I am out and about as always. I always notice couples. I try to sense the energy and watch their behaviors. I see couples and such. Makes me wonder why I am single? I see dudes with chicks and wonder why she is not with me.

Yet, I see purportedly single chicks when out and about. I am thinking, are they really single? Are they just on a girls night out? All those things come to mind. I think of a line to engage them. Mind you I am not mr. cheesy line guy. I am actually intelligent and it never fails that I get a number. Yet, it's the mentality that I have about being single.

I was having a chat with my best friend after decorating my tree. She was wondering about guys who want a younger girl. I told her, as she's a young girl approaching her 30's, is that why do we want to look at a woman who is our age? We are hoping to hold back that aging process that we, in our 40's are going through. It is quite simply a means of having maybe what we didn't have in our 20's. It's psychological at best. A means of holding on to our youth per se.

This begs the original question of being out and about. Why do I see a pretty woman and wonder if she's compatible? Am I alone in doing that? Or, is this a primitive way of being human to attracting a mate?

It just makes me ponder where I am sitting there, thinking about this person and all that.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Companionship

As I embark on two weeks off I am wondering what to do and such. My thoughts have trailed to companionship.

You have to be comfortable with yourself. I am constantly reviewing who I am. In that process I become more comfortable who I am. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable there. That leads me to ask, am I wrong in thinking that I am wired to have a companion, yet most of my life I have been single. I am not a serial dater. Yet, 2009, I have dated more women in one year than I have in a long time.

Moreover, to start with I come out of the gate treating a lady well. I always come away feeling under appreciated and taken for granted. Is that a take on myself or the women I choose.

I heard a comedian say that the day you become comfortable with yourself a woman comes along and fucks it all up. It was comedy mind you and got a laugh. I don't agree. I think that you find someone who compliments you not completes you, for you are complete. Yet being comfortable with yourself means being complete, per se, right? Is this kind of a catch-22 then?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Single but do not settle?

Is this really true?

The lady I spoke with last night brought this up. She attested that this was me hiding behind something or there were some unresolved issues. It was brought up that I had been burnt before and I was hiding behind that.

Is this really the truth? Am I afraid of intimacy thus avoiding being vulnerable? To take this further, I do say "she is not X" thus I become friends instead of lovers rather than saying "lets see where this goes".

I am seriously pondering if this is a defense mechanism rather than the truth. I am now leaning towards that conclusion as the outcomes of my past relationships. It is just a thought that I'd blog about.

Escalantes

Last night, I went to Escalantes near my house. I wanted a top shelf margarita. I walk in and there's this chair next to this gorgeous woman and this big dude. They were talking, so I asked the lady if that seat was taken. I took it and what ensued was those two flirting with me smack in the middle. It was quite like a tennis match, serve and volley. She was obviously attracted to him and vice versa. They actually brought me into the conversation and i was totally entertained. Turned out he was a football coach at Texas Southern. She on the other hand I could never find out.

Regardless, I listened and interacted, having a couple margaritas and water with my meal. Finally the coach had to leave and they exchanged numbers. She was like 'you better call me'. It was funny later as she told me she had to initiate it the interaction and apparently it started once I got there looking for a seat.

She and I then had a deep conversation about things. She had a degree in clinical psychology, so needless to say I was getting analyzed, regardless of her indifference to that supposition. We talked about relationships, her kids, the coach and her friend that was off taking a test nearby for school.

It was interesting as she wanted to buy me a drink, even after she was swooning over the coach. It was too funny. I declined as I had two top shelf margaritas, my limit. Still it was great to get offered a drink from a very gorgeous woman. Nice feeling for Kelito.

I found out she has a sugar daddy, literally. She is getting a solitaire diamond ring from her sugar daddy on Friday even though she doesn't love him. She was flirting with the coach for a side dude, per her admission. It was quite interesting to find this out after coach was gone.

Finally her friend showed up after her test, and more jabbering about the coach, about my deep conversation with her. At the end of the day, I get dubbed a "cool cat" and we exchanged numbers. Needless to say, I doubt I'll call them.