I think I'm in that mode where I don't look forward to going home, yet I look forward to leaving work.
I went through this last year and apparently going through it this year. I have wonderful critters. I am finally enjoying seeing my dog when I get home. Seeing her happy face and such. Its just that my friend as my friend asked me, what do I have to look forward to.
My life right now consists of work, my critters, acting classes, my house and my friends. What is there to look forward to? Right now tending to my health is utmost important.
I am at a bit of a crossroads I guess. I kind of want to go into a shell for awhile, ex-communicate per se. I don't even feel like facebook or twitter right now. That is weird for me. I hope this doesn't last.
I have "things" to look forward to, like birthday parties, my LA trip, a surfside weekend, mother's day, and my birthday trip. But do I really have something to look forward to?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Something to Look Forward To
I had lunch with a friend recently and she asked this when I told her I was staying out of the dating scene. She replied so what you have to look forward to.
I didn't know what to say really. It has been stuck in the surface of my brain all weekend. Part of me thinks that dating will get in the way of things I want to accomplish. I know that's selfish, but things I want to do are big things. Things that a relationship would get in the way of.
I am trying to train my brain to not see relationships in every cute girl I see when I'm out and about. I am getting better at that, but still not quite mastered it.
As my dating post will attest to, I need not be here in the field and longing for a significant other.
However, really, what do I have to look forward to. Painting doors? Changing light fixtures? Demolishing my yard. All that is really meaningless, thus it really never gets done.
Maybe when my back is better and I'm playing ball twice a week, I will have something to look forward to.
This still pesters my mind.
I just think that being a paid actor in LA is what I look forward to. Working a commercial, TV spot or whatever and getting paid to do that is what I look forward to.
However, I do long for at times, some physical intimacy. I am a man and I have needs, so there has to be some give and take there. Yet, I am not this one night stand guy. I like to be liked too much for that to happen. Part of being able to do that, is learning detachment with people. I've spent my life trying to learn that and it really doesn't work for me. Long story but read a few posts about my parents and their hatred for me? (Unconsciously that is the word that I typed, yet consciously I was thinking about their hatred of each other.) Freudian slip there? Probably so. Some root there to how I feel about myself. Interesting segue of a road internally.
So this post starts with me analyzing what I have to look forward to and leads to an interesting epiphany about how I feel about myself.
Until the next post...
I didn't know what to say really. It has been stuck in the surface of my brain all weekend. Part of me thinks that dating will get in the way of things I want to accomplish. I know that's selfish, but things I want to do are big things. Things that a relationship would get in the way of.
I am trying to train my brain to not see relationships in every cute girl I see when I'm out and about. I am getting better at that, but still not quite mastered it.
As my dating post will attest to, I need not be here in the field and longing for a significant other.
However, really, what do I have to look forward to. Painting doors? Changing light fixtures? Demolishing my yard. All that is really meaningless, thus it really never gets done.
Maybe when my back is better and I'm playing ball twice a week, I will have something to look forward to.
This still pesters my mind.
I just think that being a paid actor in LA is what I look forward to. Working a commercial, TV spot or whatever and getting paid to do that is what I look forward to.
However, I do long for at times, some physical intimacy. I am a man and I have needs, so there has to be some give and take there. Yet, I am not this one night stand guy. I like to be liked too much for that to happen. Part of being able to do that, is learning detachment with people. I've spent my life trying to learn that and it really doesn't work for me. Long story but read a few posts about my parents and their hatred for me? (Unconsciously that is the word that I typed, yet consciously I was thinking about their hatred of each other.) Freudian slip there? Probably so. Some root there to how I feel about myself. Interesting segue of a road internally.
So this post starts with me analyzing what I have to look forward to and leads to an interesting epiphany about how I feel about myself.
Until the next post...
Dating
I have decided to go on a dating hiatus. I have so much going on here with my house, my work, and I have tons of friends. My weeks are never without some social event going on, birthday, happy hour or the like.
I feel like if I started dating it would get in the way of what I am trying to accomplish. Seriously, this time next year, I hope to be debt free with the exception of my mortgage.
I kind of feel wrong about really not wanting to date but I am single minded with my goal of becoming a working actor.
I actually went on a couple dates since writing the first above paragraphs. One was a spur of the moment, lets go to dinner and we had a good time, she made me feel at ease and vice verse. The other, too, was an impromptu date. We sat outside, had margaritas in the sun. I never felt like I had to be somebody. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Her night out before, he son and the like. Neither could remember the name of the bar from the previous night. Later, after I got home, I remembered it, text it to her and got nothing.
I didn't worry about that. The following Tuesday, I text some sarcastic remark to her about a FB post. No response. We chatted about a week later and I get a "you are so awesome" response from her. Me, I was realizing she is a go-getter and stops at nothing to get what she wants. It was easy to see, as she is bright and works very hard, values the separation of work and social life.
I finally gave up as I sent her an email to set up lunch and never even got a "no thanks response".
That is the reason why I do not date anymore. It's not worth it. I put fort the effort, wasn't clingy guy and yet I get the same result.
Anyway, just sad that no matter what I try I get the same result.
I feel like if I started dating it would get in the way of what I am trying to accomplish. Seriously, this time next year, I hope to be debt free with the exception of my mortgage.
I kind of feel wrong about really not wanting to date but I am single minded with my goal of becoming a working actor.
I actually went on a couple dates since writing the first above paragraphs. One was a spur of the moment, lets go to dinner and we had a good time, she made me feel at ease and vice verse. The other, too, was an impromptu date. We sat outside, had margaritas in the sun. I never felt like I had to be somebody. We talked about all kinds of stuff. Her night out before, he son and the like. Neither could remember the name of the bar from the previous night. Later, after I got home, I remembered it, text it to her and got nothing.
I didn't worry about that. The following Tuesday, I text some sarcastic remark to her about a FB post. No response. We chatted about a week later and I get a "you are so awesome" response from her. Me, I was realizing she is a go-getter and stops at nothing to get what she wants. It was easy to see, as she is bright and works very hard, values the separation of work and social life.
I finally gave up as I sent her an email to set up lunch and never even got a "no thanks response".
That is the reason why I do not date anymore. It's not worth it. I put fort the effort, wasn't clingy guy and yet I get the same result.
Anyway, just sad that no matter what I try I get the same result.
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