Curse of Empathy and Listening

I often meet beautiful women. I can naturally engage almost anyone. The more of a challenge it is, the higher risk it is and the more I am apt to do it.

Tell me I cannot do something and I will find a way to do it. I am just that way.

So, I have this gift where I am empathetic to people. I naturally have my guard down, i.e. people are not necessarily drawn to me yet they feel comfortable talking to me. Women love as although I have a Y chromosone, they can talk to me. Thus comes along the curse of empathy and listening.

I was born partially deaf. It is what it is. I talk normally as for whatever reason I know the sound of my own voice. Most partially deaf people do not know their own voice thus it does not sound intelligible to those who can hear normally. However, because of it, I am a fairly good listener. I have to be to keep up literally. Sometimes, I don't do so well. I work at it and it's a challenge. A hearing aid does well.

Part of how I treat people is because of this challenge that I have. Yet, when I meet a pretty girl, it tends to morph into their problems.

This makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. As some of my previous posts I ponder who I am and being comfortable in my own skin. That is a constant work in progress I believe. So, should I change my tactic be more aloof when I meet a girl I like? I don't know. It just some food for thought.

Thanksgiving 2009

I will start at last night. I was hungry and quite frankly wanted a couple beers too. I headed off to Escalantes, my favorite watering hole. Enchiladas mariscos (seafood enchiladas) and a couple Dos Equis and I felt great. I was right where I wanted to be.

My friend Pam, text me, was hungry and thirsty. I told her where I was and she met me there. We had a deep conversation about life, liberty and my pursuit of fukkedupness. No topic went uncovered. I tried her margarita. Great move then. Bad move now. Never mix alcohol and beer. Anyway, it was good and I had a couple of them too.

I headed home and had a few stellas, listened to music, while on facebook and twitter.

Every year, I dial up Mannheim Steamroller's version of O Holy Night. This song, conjures up memories of being in catholic church as a kid. My dad ran the choir and during midnight mass they'd sing that song. It always puts a lump in my throat. If you didn't know, my dad passed away June 2000. Add that song and my inebriation and you get me grieving. I cried a lot. I cry every year for his loss. To be brutally honest, that's a good thing. It's good to miss one and not hold on to those emotions. As I write this recount of last night, I feel good that I cried. It's gone and quite frankly, now I am going to focus on great memories that I have of Thanksgiving and Christmas. My goal is to write down some of those memories. I will try to reminisce about good memories over this holiday season. Keep them written down and maybe even blog about them.

I think blogging about my pain helps me exorcise it in a way. I have grieved anonymously every year, sharing it with nobody. This year I shared it a bit on facebook and I think that helped me.

Why do something others make you feel obligated to do? You get one chance on this merry go round called life. Do stuff you want to do.

Action not words

Why are there people out there that are all talk and no action?

What possesses them to be "oh yeah that's great, we should do that!!!" and then never follow up on it? I don't get it. I have been disappointed by people all my life, especially with family. A lot of, yeah we will do that and they never followed up on it. Why do I have to deal with it in my adult life. It was bad enough as a child.

It's so tough for me to deal with people like this. I think they have good intentions but never follow up with them. I just get so disappointed all the time by these types of people. It's not even big things like trips, but little things like dinner, or I'll call you. It frustrates the bejesus out of me.

Acting Class 11/24/2009

Tonight I go into class, absent for the better part of a month from class. I went in knowing I would have rust.

We started out with blackout reading, which I love. If you don't know what that is, it's where you get a scene and the scene partner's words are literally blacked out. You literally don't know what is coming next. You go outside, learn your words as best as you can and LISTEN. It is almost as fun as cold reading. Cold reading is way more fun because it teaches the value of listening even further. You just get a script face down on your lap. You look at your scene partner, flip over the script and start the scene. Very much the value of listening, picking up your line, delivering it and listening.

I digress, but we started out doing blackout reading on camera no less. All work is filmed so we can critique it. That went OK. I didn't listen very well. We ran one scene and then were off to another blackout scene.

The second one was from a major motion picture. We took it outside and then put it up on screen. Mine was somewhat listless. However, this scene we decided to work on so we got our notes from our teacher. Took it outside to work on those.

We put it up again, took more notes and quickly put it up. After three takes, literally it came out very well. I got a nice compliment for a portion of a scene where I was totally in the moment and there. I wasn't acting. OMG that's a great feeling to experience. It is an adrenaline rush. I am finally coming down from it.

It was a great night and an excellent start to my five day weekend. It gives me hope in my acting career.

Notes
1. only use the furrow in the brow as needed
2. stay still
3. keep my head upright
4. listen and stay in the moment.

Catholicism

I am not an alcoholic, I'm catholic.

Really, I gave up Catholicism for lent 20 years ago and never looked back.

Holidays

Every year I fight holiday depression. It is a factor on two fronts. One, my family is back in Nebraska. Two, it seems that I date during the year but never have a significant other during this time of the year. Friends are nice, pets are nice, but having someone to share your thoughts and dreams with is different.

The first thing is that I don't go back to Nebraska because, save for my younger sister, I do not miss them. If I went back, I would have to get a hotel room and plenty of alcohol to deal with the ensuing stress and drama that goes on there. Part of my reaction is my own challenges to growing up, parents literally hating each other, various forms of abuse (none physical) and other things that are better left unsaid. I've always said do things that add value to your life. That environment is very toxic, thus I avoid it.

So, I get depressed during the holidays because in large part I never feel special. I have a few close friends that make me feel special. They know who they are. However, it is not the same. It literally pushes my hot button when people say you have your pets. Really? Can you share your hopes and dreams with them? Not likely, but that is another post.

I relate a story several years ago when I was at a bar, hanging out with friends after Christmas. They were going on and on and on about the gifts they got and how they hated them. I had a couple beers in me and uncensored said "I didn't get any gifts." So add insult to injury, they went out and got me "sympathy" gifts. A very insensitive gesture and I felt worse.

So the combination of being alone, no kids and no desire for family time, leads for a challenging holiday for me. I go through this every year.

To combat this, I do volunteer work at the George R. Brown convention center on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Eve. Also there is the HEB Feast of Sharing there as well that I will work. Throughout the year I give thousands of dollars and hours of my time to charity work to help others less fortunate than me.

Moreover, I do a lot for everyone else during this time of year. I give of my time and money to others in need and will continue to do so. I put aside my own personal depression to help others, friends and family.

This is not a post to garner sympathy, just a post to help understand me and how I feel during the holidays.

Dog replacement therapy

I get this stuff all the time. I get down. Regardless it happens and I deal with it. I get the normal stuff like well you have Ginny, my dog. Really? I have a dog, that is supposed to replace companionship. Ginny is great and a very happy dog really. However, I cannot tell her my hopes, my dreams, about the dufus at work that is clueless and traffic, among other things.

I am probably not a "dog" person per se. But it is a freaking animal, not a human. I want and deserve human companionship with a woman. I see people hide behind their pets and kids, avoiding companionship with people. I'm not like that. I love being around people. I feed off their energy.

Also, I do not get people who can be content with pets only and no human companionship. Life being great with just that. Is there something wrong with me where that is not fulfilling? I love my four legged kids. I even dream about losing them only to wake up to find them.

Am I weird in this perspective?