Something to Look Forward To

I had lunch with a friend recently and she asked this when I told her I was staying out of the dating scene. She replied so what you have to look forward to.

I didn't know what to say really. It has been stuck in the surface of my brain all weekend. Part of me thinks that dating will get in the way of things I want to accomplish. I know that's selfish, but things I want to do are big things. Things that a relationship would get in the way of.

I am trying to train my brain to not see relationships in every cute girl I see when I'm out and about. I am getting better at that, but still not quite mastered it.

As my dating post will attest to, I need not be here in the field and longing for a significant other.

However, really, what do I have to look forward to. Painting doors? Changing light fixtures? Demolishing my yard. All that is really meaningless, thus it really never gets done.

Maybe when my back is better and I'm playing ball twice a week, I will have something to look forward to.

This still pesters my mind.

I just think that being a paid actor in LA is what I look forward to. Working a commercial, TV spot or whatever and getting paid to do that is what I look forward to.

However, I do long for at times, some physical intimacy. I am a man and I have needs, so there has to be some give and take there. Yet, I am not this one night stand guy. I like to be liked too much for that to happen. Part of being able to do that, is learning detachment with people. I've spent my life trying to learn that and it really doesn't work for me. Long story but read a few posts about my parents and their hatred for me? (Unconsciously that is the word that I typed, yet consciously I was thinking about their hatred of each other.) Freudian slip there? Probably so. Some root there to how I feel about myself. Interesting segue of a road internally.

So this post starts with me analyzing what I have to look forward to and leads to an interesting epiphany about how I feel about myself.

Until the next post...